This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
