Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
