I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
