Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
