dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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