Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
