so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
