Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
