yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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