I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
