hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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