Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
