Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize