It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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