Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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