I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
