I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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