she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize