im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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