I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
