Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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