My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
