you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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