On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
