you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
