I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
