I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
