Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
