totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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