i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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