Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just googled if crying burns calories
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
