u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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