We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
