Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
