3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
