i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
