I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
