Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
