My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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