my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
