we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
