haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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