There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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