my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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