forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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