So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
