Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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