They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
