i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
