I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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