A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
