He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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