i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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