My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
