he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
