I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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