That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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