Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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