I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
