Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
