"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
