Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
