He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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