yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
